What I'm Watching: Florida Man

I managed to watch a TV ('flix) show!

  • Florida Man (2023): Produced by Jason Bateman, so you should know what you're getting into, but this is more funny white trash film noir than outright comedy.

Mike Valentine (really? Star Wars-level joke names for romantic hero? played by Édgar Ramírez) is a degenerate gambler ex-cop in Philly working for Moss Yankov (yes, names are this bad, slow growing parasite Eastern European trash mobster, by Emory Cohen), and banging his moll Delly West (dolly, Mae West, we get it, played by model Abbey Lee, but she's too scrawny, vapid, and Millennial to pull the role off; she tries "sultry" and it's just "waif needs a cookie") and holding a torch for his ex-wife Iris (oddly, no obvious connotation? played by Lex Scott Davis, hot but mean). Delly runs off to Florida, Moss sends Mike to catch her. Down there, they get tangled up with Mike's father "Sonny" (inverted parental relationship, Anthony LaPaglia), and recovered pirate treasure.

So there's dense setup in the first episode… and then there's 4 eps of screwing around, not getting to the point, 1 ep of actual plot(!), 1 ep of resolution. There's a lot of fun but irrelevant side plots, the EMT & the tweaker, and the dumb vacationing deputy who has increasingly bad days down there, and the honest but simple-minded deputy Andy (not Taylor or Clutterbuck, but meant to evoke that incompetence, played a little too broadly by Paul Schneider of Parks & Rec), and the old hit man Dutch (Ritchie Coster, piece of shit not-really-actor who appears in every bad remake, but he's adequate here, even has some fiery moments!), and the motel owners, and I haven't even got into the sister's family drama they all keep wandering thru. But very quickly you can see they just kept writing junk to fill episodes until someone told them to stop.

If this had been edited, and cut down to just what it needed, it'd be a brilliant Jim Thompson-level Grifters kind of movie of betrayal and femme fatales and "Valentine" thinking more with his other brain. But it's not, so it meanders around and you lose sight of actual plot until it sneaks back in at the end.

★★★½☆