What I’m Watching: Deadloch

Over on ‘zon. Bodies start piling up in a little mostly-lesbian resort town in Tasmania, currently having a “Winter Feastival”. The local cop, Dulcie (Kate Box) used to be a detective in Sydney, which passes for civilization, so she investigates. Soon a bizarrely drunk, stupid, unwashed, hairy, probably-Human (much like Nobby Nobs from Discworld) detective Eddie (Madeleine Sami) shows up to “help”. More bodies pile up, with ritualistic patterns.

The show mostly exists to skewer new-agey bullshit, pretentious people, stupid people, racists, sexist men, women, and really anything. The serial killings and bodies are just an excuse. The, uh, surprise intermission at the 4-hour-long art film is perfect.

Eddie goes from a horrible caricature muppet to someone not too bright (cop, obvs) working far above her abilities, dealing alone with trauma and about to get some more. Dulcie’s ridiculously calm and stoic despite a really insane world she’s forced to put up with; her wife in particular is a different kind of self-centered chaos muppet no normal person could deal with.

Abby (Nina Oyama) plays the one reasonable person, a long-suffering assistant, fiancée to the shittiest man since Lucy’s other boyfriend in Twin Peaks. I love every scene with Abby (“Big Eyes” to Eddie, who is incapable of learning names).

There’s a little Scooby-Doo/indigenous people subplot with three teenagers, black, native, and gay, and the rich bitch who owns the local sacred island and won’t allow anyone on it, but offers scholarships to get them assimilated. Hm, real estate or something else?

The straight men & women of the town range from feeble-minded working-class thugs to long-suffering with tarts or crazy women, with one or two suspicious exceptions.

I pegged the instigator (who later confesses) in the first episode, but the actual killer baffles me, there’s no setup and clues to their involvement except one, which is withheld from Dulcie as well until late. The final showdown and possibly-obscure death escape in the dark, turns into a very trite solution, chance punishes the guilty. I dislike the trivial last 30 minutes or so of an otherwise extremely fun gag.

Other than being doled out an ep a week, and maybe needing a 25-50% editing pass like all streaming shows, this was a nice watch. If your sense of humor’s laughing at corpses, this is for you.

★★★★½

What I’m Watching: Last Thing He Told Me

Trying to extract further value from TV+, and the closest thing to a crime drama is The Last Thing He Told Me. I need dark and complex to keep my brain even slightly paying attention to most things, and Apple’s not mature enough to run anything like Deadwind. I went into this pretty cold, just knew it was based on a popular novel.

Jennifer Garner looks really good. And she does fine here as a slightly confused artist wife Hannah, with new-ish husband Owen (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) and very annoying teenage stepdaughter Bailey (Angourie Rice). And a relatively big cast of friends and lawyers and various FBI & Marshals.

Owen, who seems more like a lumberjack or mechanic, is supposedly CTO of a company just called “The Shop” (is Stephen King not going to sue?), apparently writing SSL code in C++:

And yet this “wasn’t operational” and they ran a scam for $1B IPO. That makes no real sense, it’s easy to extract VC money with a working shitty demo. If you’re gonna make Silicon Valley computer crimes a key plot, talk to someone in the field.

He vanishes after bad things go down at work, and then clues get pieced together to figure out who he used to be.

The daughter’s maybe the most annoying, whiny, horrible creature I’ve ever seen on screen, like Gollum with pink hair dye, probably a very realistic teenager, but still needs to be slapped at least once every 10 minutes. Jen really has to carry this show.

Nobody seems to worry about money; there’s three expensive lawyers, and a bag full of cash, and just never comes up that this would change anyone’s life. Hannah lives on a houseboat and makes crafts out of wood, which I don’t think really shows up in expensive galleries but more creepy bait, tackle, & gas stands in the middle of nowhere before a serial killer cabin in the woods, and flea markets. Even for “TV shows have aspirational wealth to drive the American consumer market”, this show is excessive.

SPOILERS

















There’s a lot of dangling plot threads, sitcom hijinks, and just bad tell-don’t-show:

  1. We never see grandpa Nicholas’ associates, or anything about them, except word of mouth.
  2. As soon as Hannah & Bailey make contact with Owen’s family, suddenly we’re pulled out of that by the Marshall’s Service and the plot is mansplained to Hannah. They could’ve done that episodes before.
  3. The Deputy Marshall pitches a very biased explanation, and we never see anything supporting that story. Nicholas seems contradictory to it.
  4. Bailey drives plot by just running off, or charging in where she shouldn’t, never explains anything, never contributes any useful information.
  5. Owen’s plan here is to just foist off his kid, the only thing he cares about, on his new wife and criminal family, hope nobody tortures them for information. This is not thought out.
  6. How is there a safe in a woodworked vase?
  7. Avett seems to know about Owen’s past, and sends a goon around. How? What does he know? This is entirely dropped with no further explanation.

As with most modern TV, it’s clearly padded to reach 7 episodes. It could’ve been 3 eps and told a much tighter story. A little work and cut down below 2 hours, and it would’ve been a good thriller.

★★★☆☆

What I’m Watching: Florida Man

I managed to watch a TV (‘flix) show!

  • Florida Man (2023): Produced by Jason Bateman, so you should know what you’re getting into, but this is more funny white trash film noir than outright comedy.

Mike Valentine (really? Star Wars-level joke names for romantic hero? played by Édgar Ramírez) is a degenerate gambler ex-cop in Philly working for Moss Yankov (yes, names are this bad, slow growing parasite Eastern European trash mobster, by Emory Cohen), and banging his moll Delly West (dolly, Mae West, we get it, played by model Abbey Lee, but she’s too scrawny, vapid, and Millennial to pull the role off; she tries “sultry” and it’s just “waif needs a cookie”) and holding a torch for his ex-wife Iris (oddly, no obvious connotation? played by Lex Scott Davis, hot but mean). Delly runs off to Florida, Moss sends Mike to catch her. Down there, they get tangled up with Mike’s father “Sonny” (inverted parental relationship, Anthony LaPaglia), and recovered pirate treasure.

So there’s dense setup in the first episode… and then there’s 4 eps of screwing around, not getting to the point, 1 ep of actual plot(!), 1 ep of resolution. There’s a lot of fun but irrelevant side plots, the EMT & the tweaker, and the dumb vacationing deputy who has increasingly bad days down there, and the honest but simple-minded deputy Andy (not Taylor or Clutterbuck, but meant to evoke that incompetence, played a little too broadly by Paul Schneider of Parks & Rec), and the old hit man Dutch (Ritchie Coster, piece of shit not-really-actor who appears in every bad remake, but he’s adequate here, even has some fiery moments!), and the motel owners, and I haven’t even got into the sister’s family drama they all keep wandering thru. But very quickly you can see they just kept writing junk to fill episodes until someone told them to stop.

If this had been edited, and cut down to just what it needed, it’d be a brilliant Jim Thompson-level Grifters kind of movie of betrayal and femme fatales and “Valentine” thinking more with his other brain. But it’s not, so it meanders around and you lose sight of actual plot until it sneaks back in at the end.

★★★½☆

What I’m Watching: Post Mortem: No One Dies in Skarnes

Oh, Netflix. There was a long dry spell of Grim Scandinavian Crime Dramas after the last Bordertown, and Deadwind S2 was aimless without a main plot (tho still amusing mostly). But now they have Post Mortem: No One Dies in Skarnes (there’s like 3 other Post Mortems in the last couple years). Also technically horror, but mostly comedy.

A young woman Live (pr. “Leeva”, Kathrine Thorborg Johansen) is found dead in a field… mostly dead. Not all that dead. Her brother Odd (Elias Holmen Sørensen being a Norwegian Zach Galifianakis, just hilariously incompetent) and father run the small town’s only mortuary. And then she starts to have problems with a need for blood.

Odd is soon in charge of the mortuary, and struggles desperately to keep it open. Live’s murderous instincts should be a nice windfall… Instead she just gets wannabe cop/boyfriend Reinert (André Sørum) tangled up in it, and hapless Odd nearly bankrupted a couple times.

It’s shot like a horror story or drama, but everyone is so foolish and slapstick it never manages to not be comedy (very morbid, hope you don’t mind blood & dead bodies). Some of the eps drag or cycle over the same ground a bit; hopefully if they get more seasons they tighten the plot up more. But just a charming little show.

★★★★½

What I’m Not Watching: Mare of Easttown

Kate Winslet is no longer a Heavenly Creature, nor a Titanic starlet, but a disappointed middle-aged detective in the rust belt with a broken family and a cold case she can’t really cope with. She starts dating a writer passing through, played by Guy Pearce (Shotgun Ed in L.A. Confidential). A local girl with another broken home is murdered, and a much, much younger, fetus-like even, detective played by Evan Peters (a bunch of American Horror Story series) joins her to investigate.

I bother mentioning the actors here because that’s often the only entertainment. The plot is glacial, not helped by HoboMax releasing these one a week like some old-timey 20th C TV series. I don’t care about “Mare” or her family, she’s a sullen, bad-tempered, constantly-vaping wench who supposedly made a basketball shot 25 years ago. Kate’s made no attempt to control her ever-expanding hips and ass, which, I’m not judging her much on that, but it makes her role less plausible. She’s about in shape for a 60-year-old near retirement, not a 45-year-old active-duty cop.

The family stuff is really dire, ex-husband is remarrying, and Kate shows up to annoy him or accuse him of various crimes. Cousin is a priest, and so he’s dirty in some way. Her mother-in-law is just the worst. The victim’s ex-boyfriend, father, and friends are all awful, she’s better off out of the script.

On ep 3, and I’m not making it thru this. I watch an ep and feel like someone living in the rust belt, like life is pointless and ugly. Is there any payoff possible that’d make it worth going on? This is what happens when someone decides they need an Oscar, so they make some misery porn for a few hours and hope the tired old men of the Academy remember when she wasn’t old.

★☆☆☆☆ This just sucks.

What I’m Watching: The Head

An English-language (mostly), Spanish-made mini-series on hobomax. Remarkably good actors, cinematography, for the most part… though indoors scenes are heavily tinted cyan/orange. The disease of monochromism is spreading. I assume everything outdoors was shot in Norway, because it only shows Antarctic panoramas from stock footage, anything with characters is in a generic white void.

Science team goes to Antarctica. We see them goofing off, last day before winter. They watch John Carpenter’s “The Thing”, firmly lampshading what kind of show this is: Creepy drama, but with a few laughs. Team leader Johan (Alexandre Willaume) gets to go home for a break, his wife Aniika (Laura Bach) stays behind to work with pompous scientist Arthur Wilde (John Lynch, the poor man’s John Lithgow).

Contact with the base is cut off. When they get back, almost everyone is dead. A survivor starts telling a story, and then more and more facts don’t match up, and contrary stories are told.

So, the science in this: Arthur claims he’s invented a bacteria that’s 153x better than photosynthesis at scrubbing CO2 from the air, so he’s solved global warming. If they’d said “10%”, or even “100%”, OK, maybe; 153x is so far past what’s physically possible it’s pure fantasy. Plants use sunlight to get energy to crack CO2 for carbon and oxygen; what’s this bacteria using, nuclear fission? And even if you had it, you couldn’t release it, it’d run away and convert the entire atmosphere to oxygen, deadly to most current life.

Each episode, Maggie remembers more of her story, tells Johan, he runs around looking for evidence, mostly doesn’t find any.

★★★½☆ – watch, don’t expect miracles

SPOILER












The problem is, the “mystery” doesn’t hold up, it’s out of character for at least 2 people directly involved, and 2 covering it up. The original crime is petty, and doesn’t need a giant base-destroying coverup. The murders in the new base are just deranged and over the top, completely out of anyone’s league who’s accused of them.

I’d been wondering since the survivor story started if they’d do a Keyser Soze flip at the end, and sure enough the girl is who I thought she was, and even does a “this physical disorder is all an act” scene. But I don’t find her “true” story plausible either, especially Nils’ death is just impossible, and there’s no way for her collaborator to not realize what’s happening.

What I’m Watching: Last Suspicions, The Investigation

  • Suspicions of Mr Whicher: Ties That Bind: (zon) A divorce case (in Victorian England, nasty business) turns into a missing person case, then murder. Paddy really seems to have grown into the role here (tho again by now the historical Mr Whicher is utterly different from this character), but this is the last one. Unlike #3, the video quality is back to normal, even fairly good views of pastoral English countryside, horses galloping around. Everyone in this crappy little village and the nearby manor house has secrets, nobody is innocent of anything. The mystery almost works; but they have to cheat by telling Whicher something the audience doesn’t get to hear, which resolves everything. Still, a good enough episode to go out on. ★★★½☆

  • The Investigation: (hobomax) Danish 5-episode miniseries about the death of a Swedish journalist in a submarine (“ripped from the headlines!”). Stoic, brooding cop (Søren Malling) largely ignores his family while slowly moving between scenes. Very heavily tell-don’t-show. We don’t even get to see the first interviews with the submarine guy, just told about them. Ep 2 mostly follows officer Maibritt (Laura Christensen) investigating the journalist’s private life. Somewhat less brooding, but still closed-off, moody. Ep 3 they finally get some physical evidence, but again spends very long stretches waiting, in silence. That’s where I am so far. Another case of maybe 45-90 minutes of content stretched out to 225 minutes of show. I’ll probably finish this tomorrow, I’m interested in the case, but I’m bored out of my skull by the pacing. ★★★☆☆

What I’m Watching: More Suspicions of Mr Whicher

  • Murder In Angel Lane: Mr Whicher is now a “private inquiry agent”, dicks not yet having been invented, and searches for a missing girl in a story about uncertain paternity and jerks with knives. Obvious villain is obvious, but the multiple visits to the insane asylum are nice; for a Victorian bedlam it’s pretty cushy.

★★★☆☆

Note that the historical Mr Whicher was still a police officer at this time, and moving up in authority in London.

  • Beyond the Pale: The English are, it should be noted, monsters. The conquest, rape, and robbery of India over centuries is one of the greatest war crimes of history, every English is blood-stained clear through. The Sepoy Mutiny was the first try of the Indians to seize back their country, which took nearly a century. And that’s what this oh-so-happy episode is about.

“Out there in the hills, we lived like kings. No one to censure us, no one to disapprove.”

The fantastical element of this episode is that any English cares. That Mr Whicher will stand up even a little bit for the Indians seeking vengeance for a truly heinous crime. And the resolution requires even more empathy and compassion that I don’t buy from them. The premise could’ve gone really dark and given something like closure, but instead it whimpers out.

Also, the lighting/color grading in this one is terrible, it’s just black and yellow, sometimes black and cyan for variety. Everyone looks jaundiced, and you can’t see any of the action. Even the outdoors scenes are so fake-overcast (but not actually overcast) they look like day-for-night shots. Impossible to guess at the hour.

★★☆☆☆

Just one more of the series to go, hopefully it goes out on a higher note.

What I’m Watching: Suspicions of Mr Whicher

Not “The Witcher”. This is on ‘zon, “The Murder at Roadhill House”, there are 3 more episodes so far. Based on a 2008 book by Kate Summerscale.

Period 1860, in a crappy English village of Wiltshire, a family awakes to find a missing child (called a “baby” and kept in a crib, but he’s nearly 4), and when he’s found dead, early Scotland Yard is called, they send a sad-faced Paddy Considine as the improbably-named but historically real Mr Whicher, though the actor doesn’t fit the character well:

Whicher was reportedly described by a colleague as the “prince of detectives”.[2] Charles Dickens, who met him, described him as “shorter and thicker-set” than his fellow officers, marked with smallpox scars and possessed of “a reserved and thoughtful air, as if he were engaged in deep arithmetical calculations”.[2] William Henry Wills, Dickens’s deputy editor at Household Words magazine, saw Whicher involved in police work in 1850 and described him as a “man of mystery”.
wikipedia

The start’s very slow, and often uses voice-over repetition to pad out scenes that would just be Paddy walking around looking at things. Later in the first ep, they send along a sergeant, “Dolly” (William Beck), which helps with dialogue, though he gets vanishingly little character development. The local authorities are unhelpful, hostile, closed-minded fools you’d expect of the still-medieval backwater English.

Whicher’s not quite a modern, scientific detective, but he tries. And he’s a bit moody, especially between cases he’s as useless and dissolute as Sherlock Holmes; which is probably a modern back-adaptation from Arthur Conan Doyle’s 1880s books.

The pacing is glacial, much plot happens off-camera, and an early version of spinning-newspaper headlines. Very little time is spent on backstory outside of the main suspects; I wonder if the book goes deeper, or if this is all there is.

Still, it’s a good enough mystery, Whicher’s worth watching, what-cha.

★★★½☆

What I’m Watching: “the little things”

Let it always be known that I dislike everyone imitating e e cummings. Write in all caps. And I don’t like leading articles in titles; “Little Things” is a better title. The entire credits are in lowercase, and I hate it.

How is it that 1990 is a period era? Yeah, it’s 30 years ago, and they only have pagers and big CRT monitors, but it’s post Cold War, LA is a shithole… it’s not clear if this is before or after Rodney King, but nothing really changed. You could set this in the present and it’d be unchanged. Apparently the script was written in 1993, and took 26 years for someone’s slush pile to get low enough for this to be produced.

The starting scene is annoying, car drives past a girl driving her car at night, then she pulls into a deserted diner to try to shelter, then runs into the desert, instead of just driving on. That’s kind of repeated multiple times, with victims being killed because they were stupid, or just let their guard down. Blaming the victim, instead of building up the killer.

A working sheriff’s deputy Joe “Deke” Deacon (Denzel Washington) does an evidence run to LA, hangs around and gets involved in local serial killer investigation. Which is a lot like his backstory investigation that burned him out. Denzel lays out some rules for how to be a bad cop, and immediately breaks them himself.

The LA sheriffs are mostly awful. Rami Malek (the whiny millennial with the bug eyes from Mr Robot), Chris Bauer (Tony Sobotka from the bad season of The Wire), Terry Kinney as a Christfucker captain. Rami’s trying to learn something from Denzel, but he’s barely even there, a mannequin being pushed around would have more presence. The coroner (Michael Hyatt, the black lady with the very male honkie name, you may remember as Bri Barksdale on The Wire and from Nightcrawler) is essential to the actual plot, but she gets only a couple of scenes. Jared Leto, my least favorite person in film, is skanky but not really menacing, obviously fucking around stoned most of the show. I will say, he gets what he deserves for the first time since American Psycho; it doesn’t pay off having to watch this film, but it’s something.

Unbelievably slow. Over 2 hour movie, one crime scene in detail, another seen on the edges. No real suspects. Slow police work leads nowhere. What we do find out about is Denzel’s backstory, but only through flashbacks, very tell-not-show.

Completely misses a chance to reference The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly “There’s two kinds of people in this world, those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You… dig.”

★★☆☆☆ — absolutely a waste of my time.