What I’m Watching: Deadloch

Over on ‘zon. Bodies start piling up in a little mostly-lesbian resort town in Tasmania, currently having a “Winter Feastival”. The local cop, Dulcie (Kate Box) used to be a detective in Sydney, which passes for civilization, so she investigates. Soon a bizarrely drunk, stupid, unwashed, hairy, probably-Human (much like Nobby Nobs from Discworld) detective Eddie (Madeleine Sami) shows up to “help”. More bodies pile up, with ritualistic patterns.

The show mostly exists to skewer new-agey bullshit, pretentious people, stupid people, racists, sexist men, women, and really anything. The serial killings and bodies are just an excuse. The, uh, surprise intermission at the 4-hour-long art film is perfect.

Eddie goes from a horrible caricature muppet to someone not too bright (cop, obvs) working far above her abilities, dealing alone with trauma and about to get some more. Dulcie’s ridiculously calm and stoic despite a really insane world she’s forced to put up with; her wife in particular is a different kind of self-centered chaos muppet no normal person could deal with.

Abby (Nina Oyama) plays the one reasonable person, a long-suffering assistant, fiancée to the shittiest man since Lucy’s other boyfriend in Twin Peaks. I love every scene with Abby (“Big Eyes” to Eddie, who is incapable of learning names).

There’s a little Scooby-Doo/indigenous people subplot with three teenagers, black, native, and gay, and the rich bitch who owns the local sacred island and won’t allow anyone on it, but offers scholarships to get them assimilated. Hm, real estate or something else?

The straight men & women of the town range from feeble-minded working-class thugs to long-suffering with tarts or crazy women, with one or two suspicious exceptions.

I pegged the instigator (who later confesses) in the first episode, but the actual killer baffles me, there’s no setup and clues to their involvement except one, which is withheld from Dulcie as well until late. The final showdown and possibly-obscure death escape in the dark, turns into a very trite solution, chance punishes the guilty. I dislike the trivial last 30 minutes or so of an otherwise extremely fun gag.

Other than being doled out an ep a week, and maybe needing a 25-50% editing pass like all streaming shows, this was a nice watch. If your sense of humor’s laughing at corpses, this is for you.

★★★★½

MST3K: Keep Circulating the Tapes

I’ve been watching since slightly before the Centralized Comedy run off VHS tapes of KTMA. My USENET headers listed my location as “The Satellite of Love”. My ideal cast is Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo, Trace Beaulieu as Crow T. Robot and Dr. Forrester, Frank Conniff as TV’s Frank. I’d have loved for Joel to stay and keep writing, but he’s too nice to the films to be the host. I wish Jim Mallon had done more as Gypsy, I don’t like the later Gypsy roles much at all. I’m OK with Bill Corbett playing Crow or being a RiffTraxxer, but I’m a bit of a stick in the mud about it. One night in the ’90s while watching shitty movies, Carnosaur to be precise because it’s seared into my memory, I snapped and cut out a Joel & the bots outline in cardboard, sharpied it black, and taped it to the bottom of my TV screen, where it remained for a decade until I stopped watching live TV.

All of which is to establish that I’m a Mistie before I say: Cancelling this new show is a mercy killing. Jonah’s maybe the least funny, blandest mayonnaise-on-white-bread person who has ever appeared in a comedy show in even a bit part, and he’s supposed to be the host. I like Felicia Day & Patton Oswalt as much as the next nerd, but they’re in like 5-10 minutes of an ep. Very Old Joel Hodgson appearing as not-himself or doing ad bumpers for it, propped up in a chair because like Cameron Mitchell, he drinks on set, is kind of sad. Big expensive sets and special effects that aren’t simple squibs or something held in front of a single camera are anti-MST3K; money does nothing for this show.

RiffTrax, MST3K, and ShoutFactoryTV all have Twitch channels with old and new shows. While RedLetterMedia doesn’t do entire shows on Best of the Worst, they do enough you can follow along at home. It is a golden age of riffing, with actual funny hosts, but it’s just not in the official “MST3K” show.

(It’s somewhere between antagonizing and funny—but not too funny—that RiffTrax’s outro says unauthorized duplication is illegal, when MST3K’s entire existence was due to “make copies, circulate the tapes, we only exist because fans tell each other about us”).

What I’m Watching: Green Eggs & Ham

“I’m not great with kids.”
“Ha! Oh, you’re not so great with adults, either. Or Chickeraffes. Or really anyone.”
—Guy Am-I & Sam I-Am

Yes, the Netflix cartoon of the Dr Seuss book. And this time, it’s properly animated, and not infested with Mike Myers.

The book was just a short journey into madness with Sam-I-Am inexplicably tormenting Guy-Am-I who gets run over or flees into cars, trains, darkness, rain, boats… until he gives in and eats the green eggs and ham.

The show turns them into characters and a plot. Sam I-Am is either a sad delusional lonely little man, or an elite ninja animal liberator who frees the Chickeraffe, which is a giant terror-bird that can be squished down to fit in a briefcase. Guy Am-I (Michael Douglas) is a pathetic inventor whose inventions all explode. Pursued by Bad Guys (they have a card) old-timer Snerz (Eddie Izzard) and rookie Glutz, they keep running into single mom Michellee (Diane Keaton playing very very dull and safe) and bored kid EB.

Each episode is more or less a page from the book. “Would you, could you, on a train?” So there’s a long train journey and every sight gag they can extract from it. I’m especially impressed by the miniature train car. “With a fox?” And the Fox (Tracy Morgan) is insane, one of the better characters and subplots. “With a mouse?” And there’s a mouse in their prison cell who sings Les Mouserables and then it turns into the Shawshank Redemption. Most of the references are pretty good; subtle but on point.

The one part where the show falls down is “Boss”, who’s ordered this caper, trying to impress his “Cronies”. They’re all boring and loathesome, and utterly disconnected from the main plot. Delete Boss, make the Bad Guys have some motivation of their own, and this would be a better show. If I’m annoyed by him, I bet kids watching this have a screaming tantrum every time Boss appears.

The green eggs and ham do look tasty, but full of cholesterol. Michellee’s tofu version might be safer.

★★★★☆

Finishing Happy!

Done. Parts of this worked out well, as a violent fairy tale for Christmas.

The mob boss’s sister’s reality TV show, bruja grandmother(?), and the sort of return of her son was both annoying as hell (fake-ass social media & TV people, ugh), and sometimes the only good parts of an episode; but the actual supernatural shit going on around this later is jarring. Imaginary friends can be seen by someone else, great premise. They can touch things, uh, this is weird… But the demonic stuff I’m not so sanguine about (the sanguinary sauce scene is great, though!)

The bad guys’ constant running the kids around to different places, no clear explanation of who’s coming for them, the Big Bad’s weird-ass bug suit cult, Bad Santa’s, uh, friends… Not tied up neatly at all. Reminds me a bit of Shadowrun’s Universal Brotherhood which are really insect spirits. Grant Morrison’s had insectile villains, doing radical body and brain surgery with very similar results in The Invisibles, too.

The characters remain cartoonish and hard to take seriously. And there’s a homophobic vibe to some of it, two villains are gay and weird about it, there’s no positive portrayals (not that anyone’s positive in this show, but still). I dunno if this is intentional; Chris Meloni’s pro-gay rights, has done all but gay porn in Oz, so he’s probably not meaning it to be taken this way. Grant’s a cross-dresser, and is weird about it, but not like this. I still went “Oh, that’s not OK” a couple times.

As is often the case, even on a short series, there’s a lot that could’ve been cut. About 2-3 episodes worth are just “Nick goes to a new location, gets in a fight, gets a clue or has to flee to the next location”. The fights are good, often funny slapstick; there’s axes, and a chainsaw, and a kung fu gang in Chinatown. Blood but still not a lot of visceral damage.

There’s a parody of a Tarantino film scene that made me laugh out loud for over a minute, and freaked out my dog. The show keeps dragging down to boring, and then up pops a good gag and it carries me forward to the next.

If we were making a checklist:

  • Bad Santa
  • Smoothie
  • Blue
  • Nick being an asshole all the time.
  • Big Bad

So, still ★★★★☆, but I’m creeped out by some portrayals, and probably other people will be, too.

What I’m Watching: Happy!

So, this is adapted from a Grant Morrison comic. Grant’s a crazy person; one of my favorites, but I think adapting his work is a memetic hazard, immanentizing the eschaton.

Take Chris Meloni from Law & Order: SVU, and make him a washed-up drunk ex-cop Nick Sax. Add a CGI blue flying unicorn, imaginary friend of a little girl. … Sure. And a bad Santa who’s kidnapped that little girl. Nick soon convinces himself he’s not hallucinating, but he’s such an asshole he may not care.

This is bizarre. It veers between parody of SVU, itself so earnestly grimdark it wrapped around to comedy, and Roger Rabbit comic antics.

You never feel bad seeing Meloni get beaten, tortured, or hit by a car; he’s very punchable and seems like a bad dude even when playing good, and Nick’s shit. There’s a lot of blood and screaming, it’s as violent as a Friday the 13th film; not quite Eli Roth but not cartoony. There’s a flashback scene explaining how Nick got that way, and it would be traumatic to watch if not so far past plausible.

Almost all the characters are ridiculous caricatures; and then the mother of the girl isn’t. She walked in from some totally different show and everything being insane around her doesn’t faze her, she just wants her kid back.

Happy the unicorn is obnoxious in the way children’s cartoons are, but watching him cope with Nick’s horrible life is amusing.

I don’t know if this is good in any rational sense. Like, if you sat down a normal, well-adjusted person with minimal traumas and made them watch this, they’d hate it and then vomit profusely. I find it kinda charming, a new holiday special up there with Lethal Weapon and Island of Misfit Toys.

★★★★☆

What I’m Watching: Get Shorty

I love Elmore Leonard‘s books, “Get Shorty” especially. The Barry Sonnenfeld/Travolta/DeVito film is silly, but a good take on it.

So this series made me wary. For good or ill, they’ve changed everything except the one-sentence summary: “Hoodlum makes a movie with stolen money”. And it’s full of “actors”, visibly playing characters, rather than character actors; just like the prior movie.

They’ve replaced cool shylock & legbreaker Chili Palmer (Travolta’s a stiff “actor” but was perfect for the role; he bleeds desperation and confusion) with inexplicably Irish scummy bagman & hitter Miles Daly (Chris O’Dowd), and piece-of-shit producer Harry Zinn with piece-of-shit producer Rick Moreweather (Ray Romano).

Miles is OK. Pathetic, chasing a separated wife and kid, but clearly more cunning than his job needs him to be and more optimistic than Chili. The mick accent renders his attempts at both menace and persuasion comical.

Ray Romano is loathsome, a humorless whiny Sienfeld-wannabe; but that’s actually working here, Rick is not funny, he’s sad and cowardly, the shittiest kind of Hollywood hack. And so Ray Romano suddenly fits. You can believe he’s a man with no principles, with a rotten onion for a heart. His voice is still awful, and his Just For Men dyed beard and hair are preposterous.

They moved the mob’s base from Miami and Vegas to a shithole casino outside Vegas. The mob boss Amara is interesting, but entirely too much time is spent on her pathetic crew, and Yago the “nemesis” our legbreaker isn’t really needed. April Quinn (Megan Stevenson) is cute as the executive, and how they get her to do the job is good and dirty. Sidekick Louis (Sean Bridgers) is a Coen Bros type: Withdrawn & goofy one second, charming the next, instant murderous psychopath the next.

And: Peter Stormare as Hafdis the, uh, wise hobo when we first meet him. Stormare is more familiar to Elder Scrolls Online players as Jorunn the Skald King. I’m eager to do some draugr-slaying quests for ya, King.

As of S1E04, this is fun. I’d rather have another proper Elmore Leonard show, it’s been too long since Justified ended. But as dark comedy loosely based on Elmore’s themes, it’s good.

★★★★☆

Propaganda Doesn’t Work

Watching Twitch (Sh*utF*ctory plays original MST3K! The new guy is lame.) has exposed me to “advertising”. Some are just DVD sales, like In the Mouth of Madness, Bill & Ted’s, etc. Nice. Some are weird “comedic” ad placeholders for Sh*utF*ctory. But some are paid propaganda, and it’s comically ineffective on me.

There’s an imitation-muppet anti-vaping ad that plays an airhorn every time the stoner/vaping muppet says anything, while a bunch of preachy muppets give him no support for his interests. Now I want to start vaping, and also hit the pot and liquor stores.

Back in the ’80s, I might still have taken drugs (some of which are now legal, and anyway, statute of limitations) even if DARE had never shown up at school, but they made it almost mandatory: If those people were against drugs, they had to be good.

If I have any advice for young people, it’s: Take drugs, drop out of school (I deeply regret staying in prison^W school), and disregard any authority telling you not to do things.

What I’m Watching: Burn Before Reading

Burn Before Reading: Oddly a Cohen Bros movie I’ve never seen. And no great loss. Stupid people do stupid things, with no motivation, no interest, and no consequences as their crimes are covered up by bored CIA functionaries. I had genuinely maybe two laughs in the entire film, and neither are “comical” moments. ★★☆☆☆ if that.

Why was this film made? Were the Cohens contractually obliged to deliver something and so they mad-libbed or cut-up to make a script, and then somehow filmed it, without anyone noticing it wasn’t really anything?

What I’m Watching: Santa Clarita Diet, Frankenstein Chronicles, Expanse

  • Santa Clarita Diet: S1 was a fun but messy set of episodes with no structure, but I like Drew Barrymore, still a very talented and pneumatic girl, and Timothy Olyphant, who gets to do more comedy here which he’s better suited to. S2 finally found a plot and upped the brutality and farce of keeping friends, neighbors, coworkers, cops, classmates, other zombies, etc from catching them. But now I’m out of eps until they make more! ★★★★½
  • Frankenstein Chronicles: A London copper chasing a conspiracy of Mary Shelley making real monsters from dead children presumably to resurrect Percy, could be made fun. He visits William Blake, one of my favorite artists and poets, on his deathbed and gets a book of art! But instead he’s always sad about his family who died of the syphilis he gave them, unbearably whiny and miserable. And it’s the peak of English aristocrats driving the poor into literally shit-gathering (“pure”, they called it) and workhouses and then using their corpses, and shot with endless sad-music flashbacks or fantasies of Heaven instead of moving the plot along. Loathesome show, loathesome people, with no gallows humor. I stopped after S1E4 and wish I hadn’t started. ★☆☆☆☆
  • Expanse: Watched S1-S2, I like it but the books are better. S3 is still $$$, so I wait on that. Bobby Draper is a very cute Samoan, not as ripped as the books but pretty badass. ★★★★☆

My to-watch list is all but empty, I need suggestions. I have Netflix, Amazon Prime, Crunchyroll, and I’m ill-inclined to pay for another service.

I dunno what’s good on Crunchyroll currently. I have a queue that’ll never end, but it’s all trash I watch while barely paying attention. Since Akashic Record of Bastard Magical Instructor ★★★★½ ended, I’ve been bored.

Westworld alone isn’t worth HBO to me. Maybe when the season’s over I’ll binge it in one month. Is there anything else good on Hey Beastmaster’s On? Last season I ran thru their back library pretty fast. No, I don’t watch “Game of War of the Roses for C History Students”, except sometimes by fast-forwarding thru all scenes not containing Tyrion or Jon Snow.

I’m desperately lacking a light-hearted murder show. I got in the habit with Dexter, and growing up with Rockford, Columbo, and Murder She Wrote. Death in Paradise has been good for that, ridiculous and formulaic but pretty, and decent puzzle murders. Too much of the English detective, but the French/island cast were great. But I’m out of eps!

Most everything else like that is very English, and I can’t stand them. I tried watching Fallet, which would be PERFECT if it didn’t have the whinging English cop; Swedes are funnier on their own. There’s an Aussie show The Strange Calls, but the protagonist is so whiny and sad I didn’t finish S1E1, maybe it gets better?

What I’m Watching: Hap and Leonard

I watched S1 when it first came on, I love Joe Lansdale and an adaptation of his dirt-poor ’80s Texas dark comedy/mysteries should be fantastic.

Sadly, S1 was pretty dull, there’s some treachery but a lot of forgettable driving around Texas, and most of the supporting cast were the worst kind of walking meatsticks rather than actors. But it was great having Michael Kenneth Williams (Omar Little) playing cowboy Leonard, and James Purefoy (foppish Mark Anthony in Rome) as ex-hippy Hap has aged into a passable Fred Ward-like tired old hooligan. ★★☆☆☆

S2 is massively better. A kid’s body under Leonard’s dead uncle Chester’s house leads to these two knuckleheads trying to investigate, as Chester had previously, with a mob of women with missing kids led by… no small personage… And there’s a carnival which is always fun/terrifying, and my own biases confirmed when they get down to the killer.

This time most of the cast are competent; the killer is, sadly, one of the walking meatsticks and not convincing. MeMaw’s great. The flexible redhead in the carny is amazing and I may be rewatching her a few times. Even the shitheel Texan pigs are complex for shitheel pigs and played out well enough.

Only real complaint is even at 6 eps, it’s too long, this could be done in 4 or less.

S3 is going to be the KKK story, which should be fun, in a Blazing Saddles, Fletch Lives, Django Unchained kinda way.

“I tell ya. I ain’t never been more proud to be an atheist than I am today.” “Amen to that!”
Hap & Leonard in a church parking lot

★★★★½