Mornin’. Nice day for fishin’, ain’t it? Hu ha!

  • Epic NPC Man: Playlist of 182 (and more all the time) little skits from “The World of Sky-craft” aka “Aze-Rim”. Some nail exactly what the MMO experience is like, frustrating and amusing at once, some are less so. But I watched most of these in the last 2 days, totally worth it. My brain has melted.
  • Baelin’s Route: Movie of the silly fisherman with one line of dialogue, dragged off to adventure. The actor does a LOT with that one line and a fishing rod (that turns into a staff with a knob on the end during fights). If he earns a tiny bit of XP every time he fishes, and he’s been fishing nonstop for 20 years since launch, he’s probably the most powerful being in Azerim. I don’t like the inevitable plot twist 2/3 thru, but fucking Witcher did it, why wouldn’t these guys?
  • NPC Dungeons & Dragons: Playlist of the nerds playing D&D (5E, not at all my favorite edition and I dislike the kind of story-driven modules they’re been funneled thru, but the play’s the thing)

Makes heavy use of New Zealand’s fantasy aesthetic and loudly plays celtic music like a certain set of movies set there. Their costumes, props, and film editing “magic” are simpler, but better than those movies. They do OK at getting diverse casting, it’s not all honkies.

What I’m Watching: Adventure Time: Distant Lands: Together Again

Third, following Obsidian, for Finn & Jake.

Well, Finn. Who’s old, nearly dead in some dungeon, and goes through to Hell looking for his long-dead brother. Instead he finds a bunch of returning characters who are all dead, including Tiffany (sigh) as the main rival/annoyance.

The designs of the Hells, “Dead Worlds”, are fantastic, except the crappy 1st one, but you don’t get to spend long in each, there’s no exploration or sense of wonder, just fancy backdrops for a few death angels & New Death chasing Finn who’s chasing Jake. The cosmology is sort of Buddhist by way of Dante’s Inferno; but it’s never explained enough for that to be a major element, either. In the silly 12-minute episodes, they could do a long dreamlike song or mystical exploration, and then next ep be back to kicking butt. In these 46-minute movies, they don’t really seem to do that.

It is nice having the brothers back together, having adventures.

But, BMO had a great setting, kind of a good story, but terrible characters other than BMO and the bugs. Obsidian had a boring setting, boring characters except P.B. and Marceline, no plot. This one has the best characters, a plot… but an unexamined setting. Are they doomed to just make sequels with different failures?


What I’m Watching: Adventure Time: Distant Lands: Obsidian

The next one after BMO, this time about a glass kingdom, a lava dragon, and P.B. and Marceline.

Apparently P.B. and Marceline have been living for… decades? in Marceline’s old house. I guess most of the Candy Kingdom is extinct and doesn’t need P.B., but she spends zero time worrying about that, just being a domesticated lesbian wife.

This time the new generation sidekick is not terrible, Glassboy’s just a weak kid literally made of cracked glass, but he’s brave and not too stupid. See-Through Princess is just vapid, waffling between “hey now don’t be mean” and doing meaningless ritual.

Most of the episode is P.B. staring at a force field console, while Marceline goes off on a vision quest to get her angry punk rockness back. And occasionally the flashbacks to Marceline’s youth in the mutant wastelands have some pathos, drag this up from dull to “oh that hurts”. Marcy’s first song is excellent, she doesn’t quite rock out—the Pixies she’s not—but she’s trying. The second one is Lisa Loeb-like.

There’s a couple cameos of old characters, which mostly just reminds me of how terrible the last few seasons of AT were, but this was much better than those.

★★★½☆ — Watch this one.

Fantasy & Science Fiction Magazine on Archive

I was looking specifically for Philip K. Dick’s “Cantata 140”, also found Roger Zelazny’s “A Rose for Ecclesiastes” and look at that great wraparound cover! But also all of F&SF is in there, and it’s pretty much all good, the best of the more literary end of SF, fantasy, weird tales. Unfortunately it hasn’t all been neatly organized in a category on, but you can just page down in the pulp magazine rack.

Anyway, there’s your reading stack for the next year sorted.

Portal Bandits RPG

I saw there was a one-page RPG jam, but hadn’t thought of any theme or tricks to do with it. Then in the shower, I realized I could adapt the source of my PortalWorlds 7DRL videogame to one page really easily. I went with more of a Norse mythology theme, rather than the inspiration movie’s “God” and “Satan” (whatever those are supposed to be, some crank carpenter cult thing).

In one page there isn’t much room to expand on setting and discuss design, but two main principles: You are small and weak, and not even very clever; a Human adult is a scary monster. Magic items are the great leveller, in fact there’s no advancement except getting Loot. Gold is really only a score, and it can bribe Humans and other monsters.

For a sample Realm, I just rolled Ancient Egypt, Zombies, Evil King. So now you might have to fight a bunch of undead, but more likely you’d sneak around vast temples and pyramids, let the zombies in, rob the Pharaoh without getting mummified, and run for the portal out. Next Realm is Modern America, with Assassins, and a Good King. So here you find a sympathetic President (mid-’90s?), being hunted by assassins. You still need to loot the White House for Kennedy’s Gold Dildo or whatever, but you can’t do that unless you stop the killers. Nobody thinks a bunch of little Dwarfs are any good at anything or a threat.

Written & layout in Pages, which works great for little things like this.

Only solo-tested a quick combat, but it works. Let me know if you get a chance to play, I will when I can.

What I’m Watching: Barbarian Queen

From the SHOUTFactory Sword and Sorcery Collection. Remember DVDs? You stick it in a slot and your movie just starts playing!

First, trailers!

  • Streets (1990): “The most brutal, sadistic killer on the streets… is a cop!” Yeah, no shit! That was true even in the ’80s. Christina Applegate (age 19) is cute as a teenage hooker (age 16). Eb Lottimer made a half-assed career of dirty cops and evil soldiers. This looks better than average for exploitation flicks by Roger Corman.

  • Angel in Red aka Uncaged (1991): Whores and a psycho pimp and brother. Looks dire. Apparently a remake of Streetwalkin’ (1984) by the same writers, and the director Lisa Hunt took her name off it. Nope.

Huh. I guess they know their audience. And now our feature presentation. Note: R-rated and then some.

  • Barbarian Queen (1985): Instantly starts with a blonde girl (Dawn Dunlap) gathering flowers captured, tits exposed, and raped by two heavy metal dudes (long hair, black clothes, medieval, work with me here). Sets the tone for the film; if you can’t handle this, don’t go on.

Wedding day for the girl’s sister, Amathea (Lana Clarkson)—previously seen in Deathstalker—is rudely interrupted by a whole bunch of these heavy metal dudes who didn’t RSVP. Mass fight choreography is… not an exact science. Mostly you see dudes taking turns holding up a sword or staff, enemy attacks, then they switch roles, very D&D initiative sequence, not much like real swordsmanship.

All the village men are defeated, but the women can bare-handed (sometimes bare-breasted) kick the ass of any man. Mostly because the heavy metal dudes stop mid-fight to try to rape, which turns out to be a tactical mistake.

The barbarians have fabulous ’80s hair & makeup, and wear preposterous linen bikinis and reed bundle pushup bras/legwarmers, uh, and unlabelled Keds tennis shoes. The people live in reed & grass huts, but then bundle up in furs. This was filmed in Argentina, like so many of Roger Corman’s wilderness flicks. The wilderness cinematography is quite good; they try to avoid showing skylines and obvious clues as to the location.

The “city” (barely a village) isn’t bad but anachronistic; low stone/adobe walls, topped by wood pallisades. The “arena” is a solid wood pen, because of course they have a gladiator arena. A few hundred extras, wearing a weird mish-mash of clothing, muu-muus, hoodie robes, tunics & pants, half middle-eastern. It’s like any bad D&D campaign, the Referee just threw random stuff together until it was full. The rebels of course hide in the dungeon tunnels under the city. There’s always a dungeon.

The props deserve a call-out, and not in a good way. Weapons range from clubs, sharp sticks, and stone axes, to a few pole-axes, to many crappy mass-produced shiny swords with bad brass/gold pommels, and stage swords made of pig iron. Shields are a layer of hammered tin(?) over wood, very awkward. Armor is mostly black linen with big chunky chains sewn on top, it looks ridiculous and offers no protection. One or two people have brigandine which doesn’t look awful. None of this fits any consistent period.

Katt Shea, Susana Traverso, and a little tomboy girl soon join Lana as an adventuring party, hunting heavy metal dudes. They never lose HP to these dudes. Dawn goes looney tunes, because that’s what happens when you’re tied to a tree. Middle girl is constantly eating, thru the entire film, it’s kind of remarkable, giant lump of bread, unidentified “meat”, craft table in the harem, she’s horny for food.

“I’ll be no man’s slave and no man’s whore, and if I can’t kill them all, by the gods they’ll know I’ve tried.” —Amathea will kick your ass.

Armando Capo as Lord Arrakur is very businesslike. I can’t tell if he’s supposed to be stoic, doesn’t know his lines all that well, or thinks he’s doing taxes instead of torturing, raping, and killing. He’s much too fat, useless, and square to lead the heavy metal dudes, I don’t know how he got cast here. When I think of all the roles Jack Palance chewed scenery in, and compare him to this dork, ugh.

“20 years that THIS KINGDOM has ruled THE LAND. And we gather for your entertainment, the greatest warriors of ALL TIME, willing to sacrifice their lives for the glory of THIS KINGDOM.” —Arrakur has no idea when or where he is, either.

The torture room, and glasses-wearing Jewish nerd torturer are amazing. Hanging metal claw hands, swinging stabby gadgets, acid bath, and an automated rack. Lana’s tits spend a lot of time exposed and upthrust. Her ’80s-style G-string bikini bottom is a little out of time. Her way of getting off the rack is amazing, only ever matched by Kathleen Turner in The War of the Roses.

The gladiators don’t get much better at fighting, and they end every fight in a KO or kill, which is not how you keep a gladiator population; they were highly-valued entertainers, like pro wrestlers. Here, apparently the reward for the surviving gladiators is the harem, which rather misses the point of harems; but there is a fat eunuch harem guard in pseudo-Turkish outfit completely out of place with everyone else.

Maybe this whole thing’s post-apocalypse. No artifacts or mention of the olden days, but there’s also no churches, the entire operation’s such a mess of periods it’s just nonsense as history, but perfectly reasonable as post-apocalypse Argentina. I’ve had the same hypothesis about Deathstalker, but it has Orcs and magic, more likely a secondary world.

Some great shots. Guards go running past, Lana slips out sword ready and runs like a panther. She looks great and kills like an experience-crazed D&D murderhobo PC. The final fight is still badly fight choreographed, but well-paced.

Title is a lie, she’s not the queen of her barbarian tribe, nor of the city (I presume the rebels take over, but the ending just freeze-frames).

The deleted scenes on this DVD are a mix of longer kills, even more T&A, and some backstory for the traitor and rebels.

A classic of swords-and-no-sorcery, heavy on the exploitation, half-assed (if that) at production as usual for Corman, but mostly saved by the story, and focus on Lana Clarkson and the girls.


(A reminder about my star ratings. Full ★ is for quality filmmaking. The extra ½ is earned by being fun, regardless of quality. I’d rather watch a ★★½☆☆ than a ★★★★☆!)

What I’m Watching: Adventure Time: Distant Lands: BMO

Available on the HoboMax.

BMO, especially delusional BMO being a hero, is generally my favorite character of AT, even tho I skip all those awful Grables eps. So I was looking forward to this. Not happy about the result.

No way to talk about this without spoilers:

BMO and their potatoes are going to Mars. But then they’re redirected to an ancient space station made of little environment pods, like blown-up Xandar (in the comics, not the boring planet in the Guardians movies), or Robert Heinlein’s Orphans of the Sky, and BMO sets off to save everyone!

Unfortunately everyone in the station sucks. The bunny kid sidekick is useless, spineless, and nigh-treacherous (but too spineless to be an effective traitor), the repair drone is just a follower, the adults are all villains or parasites who should be broken down for scrap. The character designs, other than a few sight gag characters in street scenes, are very plain, either blobs, the laziest-drawn humanoid bunnies ever, or a few alien/elf hybrids. Literally the only sympathetic characters in the entire show, besides BMO, are two thieving bugs, and a scrap robot (voiced by Simone Giertz! So there’s like one good thing about this!)

There’s an amazing environment, a setup perfect for a long series, which is wasted on a very stupid plot and a trite non-Adventure Time ending. Brute force or reason shouldn’t get you out of trouble in AT, only insanity, lateral thinking, or coincidence should. Pen Ward hasn’t written or directed since S8, everyone still involved is like 3rd-hand hires from when it was good, so tone drifting towards Hollywood garbage writing is inevitable, but tragic.

Well. That was, I guess not surprising after S10, but disappointing. Will any further eps be better?


What I’m Watching: Adventure Time

HoboMax has Adventure Time, and soon to have some spinoff specials “Distant Lands”, so I watched seasons 8-10 which I hadn’t previously seen, and I’m now rewatching 6-7 which I apparently don’t remember at all. Who needs linear time?

  • Season 8: Mostly episodic, often great adventure episodes. This is what I liked the show for originally. “I Am a Sword” seems to be adventure, but then introduces a real tragedy, which turns into the Fern sub-plot for the next 2 seasons. “Preboot” and “Reboot” activate Susan’s origin story, and “The Invitation” starts a very long 8-part story about the last of the Humans; individual parts of this were good, but continuity is annoying in a show like this. 11-minute episodes are perfect for delivering the science-fantasy parody, 2-parters are a little long, 8 is (if you’ll forgive the ’80s sitcom reference) enough.

  • Season 9: Immediately starts with another 8-part quest about elemental (Candy, Slime, Ice, Fire) corruption. While I like Ice King/Simon and Weird Lady/Betty in small doses, an entire series about two amnesiac obsessives is excruciating. Since all the elemental princesses and inhabitants are reduced to insanity, there’s really only Jake & Finn to have any sane dialog, and Jake’s just a dog. The last few eps resolve Finn & his weird grass clone.

  • Season 10: Almost all of these were terrible. “The First Investigation” was good, a nice self-contained story. “Jake the Starchild” and “Temple of Mars” are decent science-fantasy stories, but almost not Adventure Time. “Gumbaldia” and “Come Along With Me” (44-minute finale story) set up a final Ooo War between PBub and her insane Uncle/offspring, and halfway delivers on it. But then they ran out of plot, and were unwilling to go all the way and let the Candy Kingdoms nuke each other, so just added a new dumb monster for them to half-ass their way out of. BMO at the end of time with an almost empty world was interesting, and they failed utterly to deliver on it.

I loved classic Adventure Time, but the writers really got wound up too much in continuity and making sense of a senseless idea later on. It’s Thundarr on E, Mad Max with candy characters. That’s fun. A little “oh living in this vale of tears is kinda hard yo” goes a very long ways. Long plots ruin it.

★★★★★ for the single adventures, ★★★★☆ for the first serial, ★★★☆☆ for the second serial, ★★☆☆☆ for the finale.

What I’m Watching: Godzilla Raids Again, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, The Player

More of my HBO Max queue. I absolutely hate that they make me choose my profile every single time. I have one profile, it’s a purple cock-ring that says “Mark” in it, there is zero reason to make me choose a profile every new window! Netflix now lets you choose movie characters for your profile image, so there I’m Hup from Dark Crystal 2019, but they only make me choose my profile if I’ve logged out and back in.

In the old days, I watched 3 movies every night from the video store: One B-movie, one studio flick, one known-good movie (often a rewatch). And that’s kinda what I did here:

  • Godzilla Raids Again (1955): On Monster Island, Godzilla is back from the dead (or a second Godzilla!) fighting a 30m-long Ankylosaur “Anguirus” (actual ones were up to 6.25m long), dated at 70-150 MYA (in reality 65-67 MYA), which is certainly better than the first Godzilla’s 2 MYA dates. Dr Yamane returns to show stock footage from the first movie, without sound effects or context, and then he is never seen again (smart, take your paycheck and run from this film). They also get to use some military stock footage to show air & naval search for the kaiju. Boy this is a cheapass movie so far.

    The drama of the pilots & radio girls (the pretty one is the boss’s daughter, of course) relationship is maybe a repeat of Ogata & Emiko from the first movie, but it fills the Human interest requirement fine. There’s a prison break story which has fuck-all to do with Godzilla, it’s just B-roll, but serves to screw up the blackout/light lure plan. Oda Motoyoshi was a terrible but prolific waste-of-film director, and in more competent hands the prison story could’ve been given some pathos.

    The monster fights are goofy, accelerated footage instead of more properly slowed-down to look like 50m-tall monsters, mostly wrestling instead of the more acrobatic fighting of later Godzillas (admittedly these early suits were heavy). The miniature cities, and historic Osaka Castle(!!!), are clearly empty shells inside, when the original tries to not make that visible, and later ones succeed even more. There’s a flooding subway scene that’s fairly effective, though we don’t see the victims; presumably nobody was willing to risk their lives for Oda’s filmmaking.

    The music is not great. Anything dramatic or horrifying in the original has heavy Ifukube Akira music. Here, there’s a little bass line behind the monster scenes, and light “laugh now” or overbearing brass band music in every Human scene.

    A little “Human interest” goes a long way in a kaiju movie, but post fight there’s just endless people talking bullshit about romance and business, corporate drinking in a circle worshipping the boss, nothing to do with the plot. Incredibly tedious, and the comic relief pilot is badly written. Please make this end.

    They really don’t seem to have watched the first movie. A fire fence is supposed to keep Godzilla in place? It was born from the hydrogen bomb, breathes fire, stomped thru a burning Tokyo. It lives in the deep freezing ocean. There’s no fire or ice solution that’s going to stop it. The bombing runs use a mix of miniatures, stock footage, and rear projection to fake in-aircraft camera shots, and the “miniature” terrain and mattes are bad.

    I’m giving this movie way more thought than was put into making it, or has deserved for 65 years. But I’m disappointed.

    ★★☆☆☆ only because Anguirus is slightly cool, being a completely non-humanoid kaiju.

  • Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald: I haven’t seen the previous Fantastic Beasts film, which is nowhere to be found, but how much context can a “wizzarding world” flick need? Unfortunately after a pretty good prison break scene with badass Grindelwald (who seems to have the right idea, magical revolution now!), the story switches to whiny, useless “Newt” as protagonist, and then nothing happens forever, and I lost all interest.

    The cinematography looks like absolute shit, it’s dark and color-distorted, you can’t see anything, it’s all CGI cartoons and fast cuts over bad actors, almost a parody of modern terrible filmmaking. Maybe there’s plot later, but after 30 minutes of reading my phone while I waited for plot to start, and it didn’t, and I loathe all the “good guys” so far, I gave up.

    ☆☆☆☆☆ and may Cthulhu have mercy on their souls.

  • The Player (1992): Haven’t seen this in decades. Goddamn that initial long tracking shot. Tons of movie references, I dunno I’ve ever seen Absolute Beginners, just heard the Bowie song; adding that to my list. The Sheltering Sky I’ve seen and was bored out of my skull by, all of Bertolucci’s films were some mix of fantastic cinematography, pretty girls, dumb assholes, fascists, wandering aimlessly, never intersects a plot, like Last Tango in Paris; he was the original Ridley Scott (right down to the unwatchable but very pretty oriental set piece flicks). I love Fred Ward and he’s good at laconic delivery of both useful and menacing lines, but he doesn’t get to do any violence here, which is a shame. There’s a metric fuck-ton of cameos by Old Hollywood people, before it all went to shit.

    “It’s Gods Must be Crazy except the Coke bottle is now a TV actress.” “Exactly, it’s Out of Africa meets Pretty Woman.” made me crack up completely. I can’t stop giggling at these people and their awful pitches.

    Oh, I miss movies like this, with writing and characters and cinematography that isn’t just cyan/orange filters. I want everyone involved in that Fantastic Beasts flick to watch this, and then blow their brains out in shame.

    “Can we talk about something other than Hollywood for a change? We’re educated people.” … … [laughter]

    Griffin Mill (Tim Robbins) is kind of too easy-going to have his job, but he steps up to crazy eventually. Vincent D’Onofrio didn’t have his known career of being a crazy person yet, so his unstable writer act now looks too obvious.

    “I would hate to get the wrong person arrested.” “Oh please. This is Pasadena. We do not arrest the wrong person. That’s L.A., see, L.A., they kick your ass, and then they arrest you.” A year after Rodney King.

    The first act is great, just a perfect storm of everything coming down on Griffin Mill. Second act develops his guilt and romance, and it’s fine, but a little slow. Third act should be a massive storm of catastrophe, but instead nothing happens. Rich people get to be rich and goof around.


Spoiler screenshot but this is the story they wrote and inserted into the paper:


What I’m Watching: The Witcher

It is the most magical time of the year, so time to watch the new shitty fantasy series.

The show alternates between two almost totally separate shows; this season is based on prequel short stories, so apparently nobody will meet anyone until the end and the videogame starts.

Moody almost monochrome Witcher scenes where Geralt[sic, Polish can’t spell “Gerald”?] broods and delivers Batman lines, refuses to do anything for anyone, but is clearly so desperate for coin he’ll fight monsters on spec (“Kikimora” here being a weird swampy spider-ogre thing, rather than the Slavic mythological one which is a pair of good and evil house fairies). He meets a sexy witch in a bar who keeps the locals from murdering him and buys him beer, but he runs off with a little girl who kills rats to get a job with a magician. Who has a fairy fountain full of naked dryads, and wants him to kill the sexy witch from the bar.

Much brighter but still washed-out medieval political shit, battlefields run nothing like a real medieval battlefield (no honor guard for the queen, who leads from the front, lot of Lord of the Rings kind of cgi crowd shit). Tiny tomboy princess is about to be heir to a dead kingdom. The “Nilfgardians” are apparently black-armored psychopaths who don’t take prisoners, torture victims.

I played a bit of the first Witcher game, but it doesn’t explain much of the background. It’s some generic pseudo-Europe called “The Continent” (or whatever that is in Polish). The Nilfgardians there are a more normal Holy Roman Empire pastiche, even leaving subject kings in place.

Why is Geralt[sic] a “mutant”? Allegedly 80 girls born in an eclipse are all mutants and evil, which is either medieval nonsense or factual description of magic world, and I can’t tell which. But what’s his excuse? Magic seems to be rare and super powerful, but nobody really minds its use, which seems at odds with the “he’s different KILL HIM” attitude to Geralt[sic], the girls, monsters, and Elves.

We finally get a real fight scene with the Witcher, and it’s pretty good; fight choreography and editing portrays a thing far faster and tougher than Human like a high-level videogame character just murderizing all the normal thugs, and fighting evenly against another mutant.

“They created me just as they created you! We’re not so different!”


Now there’s another storyline: Hunchback Pig-Girl can teleport to magic fairy-land, and gets bought by a witch for half the price of a pig. No worries, tho, someday she’ll become Yennefer[sic] the Witch and make herself pretty, because only poor & non-magic people are ugly in the Witcher. But first she has to go to Shitty Hogwarts, which is a series of caves and stone classrooms with a loading screen showing two towers and a bridge for context; there’s no scenes set where you would see the matte painting/loading screen behind anyone. Total set budget: $50 for plaster, scrap wood, and a veritable mountain of plastic skulls & bones.

We finally get back to Geralt[sic], remember the main plot? Hunting “devils” who steal grain for a leather sack of coins, which is suspiciously exactly how much he negotiated for. Zero effort was made to make anything plausible, it’s just like the videogame. Ah, I love a good kill/fetch quest. We get a lot of sitting around hearing about Elves and how Humans have massacred them. Which never makes sense to me: If Elves are a superior, magical, immortal race, how are mere trash monkeys able to kill them?

The princess runs away from the Evil Dark Army, and is taken in by stupid refugees who don’t realize she’s clean and pretty and therefore royalty; they are of course dirty and ugly because they’re Working-Class with Ambitions, and therefore doomed. Their Dwarf slave doesn’t like the situation, but nobody likes him either. Well, I like him more after [SPOILER]. The princess has zero personality (or the actress simply couldn’t even read lines), she’s a plot coupon that moves thru scenes on rails.

I’m perplexed by the period this is supposed to be in. The Witcher game is sort of medieval 12th C Poland? But there’s post-Renaissance bards with 18th C or so lutes, singing about potions for abortions. I’m shocked I haven’t seen more anachronistic technology with the casual disinterest the show takes in period drama.

The currency situation is bugging me, too. In two episodes we’ve had marks, ducats, orins, and florins? Marks are German and only in Shitty Hogwarts land, but the other three are within a day’s ride of the starting forest and are Italian. Why aren’t there any zloty, if this is so Polish? Why is any of this historical Europe if it’s a completely different fantasy world?!

Well, so far this is about on par with Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne, but lacks the star power (Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Meat Loaf, and a dozen Romanian whores!). All this has is Henry Cavill (the doughy, vapid, murderous Zack Snyder Superman) who does fine standing around growling, and he can fight well, but he’s barely even present for “acting”, he just hits his marks and says his lines. Lars Mikkelsen (Mads’ wuss brother, who we last saw in the original Danish The Killing 13 years ago) is sort of amusing and cuddly as the magician Slartibartfast or whatever; but I think they wanted menacing and mystical, which he is not.

★★☆☆☆ script, production, and acting quality, ★★★½☆ for fight scenes and entertaining stupidity. Totally going to keep watching, this is a nice fun trainwreck show.